The DOGS: (some of) Australia's worst films

As the logo says, we are all about the best in Australian film. Still, no one is trying to deny the fact that we've made our fair share of stinkers. So here you go, enjoy this list of the worst of the worst, as Brendan Winter gets bitchy with this dirty dozen. Woof woof!

Crackerjack (2002) dir. by Paul Maloney
The fact that this turd did good business at the box office is an indictment on the Australian movie-going public. A thin premise stretched past breaking point after about 10 minutes, when the try-hard larrikinsim of Molloy starts to grate and the grating Judith Lucy proves once again she is the unfunniest woman in Australian film. The unfunniest woman on Australian TV is the chick from the Glass House.

The Craic (1999) dir. by Ted Emery
It's pronounced "Crack", just in case your gaelic is a bit rusty. Resident Irish stand-up comedian Jimeon attempts to bring his charm to the big screen, with devastatingly unfunny results. Hard to know what will get to you first if you (try to) watch this - the lack of humour or the ridiculous storyline. Avoid.

Dead Letter Office (1998) dir. by John Ruane
With a title this exciting, and a story set in a post office, who could have guessed this would be a boring bomb? Even the natural charm of Miranda Otto cannot lift this movie above a tepid mess.

The Man from Hong Kong (1974) dir. by Brian Trenchard-Smith
So bad it's good. An absolutely ludicrous plot, acting and dialogue, with one of many highlights being a kung-fu fight (with combatants in de riguer 70s action tight pants) on Ayers Rock!!? I once went to a special screening, and the director basically tried to say "we were being funny all along". Nobody believed him then, and nor should you. The only film on this list actually recommended to watch, just so that you can have a belly laugh at it's expense.

Ned (2003) dir. by Abe Forsythe
Watching this film, you sense that it could have almost worked as a parody of Australia's favourite outlaw hero. Unfortunately, you also smell the stench created by it's failure to do so. Forsythe simply bit off more than he could chew in writing, directing and starring in this ultra-low-brow (not that there's anything wrong with that) 'comedy' that commits the ultimate crime - not being funny. If you pay to watch this, it's daylight robbery.

Peaches (2004) dir. by Craig Monahan
There are basically two kinds of bad film in Australia: unfunny comedies which try to capture some element of the 'Aussie spirit' and fail; and pretentious snore-fests masqeurading as 'cinema' which somehow garner government investment by appealing to the predictably bad judgements of filmocrats. This is one of the second kind.

Spider and Rose (1994) dir. by Bill Bennett
It wants to be Harold and Maude crossed with Easy Rider, without the sex or drugs. It turns out to be neither, with a great deal of boring dialogue. A road movie that goes nowhere.

Spotswood (1992) dir. by Marc Joffe
It's hard for me to relate the details of this film, as I went into a voluntary coma about half way through. Anthony Hopkins (yes, him) plays an efficiency expert brought in to a shoe factory to .. improve efficiency. Wow. Shows the power of a bad film to reduce an incredible cast (Hopkins, Russell Crowe, Toni Collette, Ben Mendelsohn) to mediocrity.

Take Away (2003) dir. by Marc Gracie
Who funded this, and why? The public needs answers, dammit! Painfully unfunny story about warring take-away food shop owners manages to diplay an impressive array of all-Aussie cliches within a short space of time. Even more impressive is the way it takes a not-too-bad cast, and manages to extract all time career worst performances from each and every one. Take it away.

The Well (1997) dir. by Samantha Lang
See Peaches above …

The Wog Boy (2000) dir. by Aleski Vellis
This film flogs the dead horse of second-generation ethnic comedy until it disintegrates into a putrid pile. Nick Giannopolous does the Greek culture a diservice by greatly overestimating his ability to write or act comedy. It's basically a series of sketches pulled from the bottom drawer of wog cliches. 'Fully sick' is an expression of approval in the wog lingo: this film dies a painful death 90 minutes too late to save it.

Wolf Creek (2005) dir. by Greg McLean
Jumping on the bandwagon of a recent, post-Saw, resurgence in shock-value gore horror, this film is a great example of the depths some people will go to. I'm talking about the film makers here, not the main character, who is a vile specimen of a man. If you enjoy sadistic and pointless (oh sorry, 'morally complex') torture, watch this now! If on the other hand, you prefer a film to have a decent reason for extreme violence, rather than because of a lack of imagination by the film makers, then steer clear.